Da'ud Bob's Movie Review
for
May 2016

I'd already reviewed the first movie with this general title, some four or five years ago, in what has apparently become an on-going series. (Leaving me with flashbacks of another series that probably shouldn't have been made in the first place, Deathstalker 1, 2, 3, and 4.) But there it was, sitting in my Netflix queue, taunting me with its synopsis: "Former Special Forces soldier is pulled back into medieval times to become a leader in a deadly civil war." (Begging the question of whether there has ever been a non-deadly civil war. I can't think of any; they all tended to have a goodly number of fatalities, leading me to believe that "deadly civil war" is something of a tautology.) But having already reviewed for you In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, and remembering our motto "We watch 'em so you don't have to," I sat myself down in my big La-Z-Bubba recliner, called up the Netflix queue, and pressed "Play." And so it is that this month, Da'ud Bob reviews for you In the Name of the King 2: Two Worlds.

Starring Dolph Lundgren as Granger, Lochlyn Munro as King Raven, Natassia Malthe as Manhatten, Christina Jastrzembska as the Holy Mother, Aleks Paunovic as Allard, Natalie Burn as Elianna, Elisabeth Rosen as the Seer[ess], and Michael Adamthwaite as Thane (not to mention Noah Beggs as "Pudgy Dark One." Aren't you glad you don't have a role like that on your acting resume?), the story line is summed up on IMDb as "A warrior in medieval times is sent on a quest to fulfill an ancient prophesy. Venturing through the now war-torn kingdom of Ehb, he teams up with an unlikely band of allies with the goal of slaying the leader of the 'Dark Ones.' Fighting against all odds, they must free the land from the grasp of the evil tyrant and save the world." Okay, yeah, let's go with that.

Good points: The movie is only 96 minutes long. King Raven's horse. It was filmed in British Columbia, so a lot of the scenery is really, really pretty. And green. And damp. Did I mention that it was really, really pretty?

Bad points: The castle walls. (They appeared to have been made of concrete with stones embedded in it here and there. Nothing that would last very long against honest to goodness medieval siege warfare.) The costumes were something straight out of a renaissance faire, one where they accept pretty much any attempt at costuming as "good enough." Speaking of "glasses" of ale. Writing a letter with a feather, and not with a quill pen. (As Wikipedia notes, cf. "quill": "On a true quill [pen] the barbs are always stripped off completely on the trailing edge." That was most definitely not the case here. It was a feather. Awkward!) The female doctor. The old woman's daughter's spaulders (in the 15th Century these would come to be called pauldrons, but I'm fairly sure this is supposed to be earlier than that. In any case, it's armor for the shoulders, and these matched nothing I've ever seen of the real thing).

Zero breasts. Three gallons of blood. 53 dead bodies. Sword fu. Dagger fu. Pistol fu. Ax fu. Spear fu. Club fu. Grenade fu. Kung fu. Baseball bat fu. Polearm fu. Blowgun fu. Stone fu. Mercenaries (or, sometimes, "Dark Ones") roll. Granger rolls. The doctor rolls. Gratuitous time portal. Gratuitous biological warfare. Gratuitous visions. Gratuitous fire-breathing wyvern. (In England, a wyvern is a two-legged dragon, while one with four legs is called a dragon.) A 94 on the Vomit Meter. One star. Granger said, "Perhaps there is more to this than we understand." Da'ud Bob says, "You can say that again. I didn't really understand most of this movie, and most especially why it was made in the first place. Check it out!"



Upcoming movies and miniseries to watch for!

February 25, 2016 in Israel; August 19, 2016 in the U.S. Ben Hur. A falsely accused nobleman survives years of slavery to take vengeance on his best friend who betrayed him. Jack Huston, Nazanin Bodiadi, David Walmsley. Based on the novel by Lew Wallace, a remake of the 1959 classic that starred Charlton Heston in the title role.

http://www.benhurmovie.com/

June 10, 2016 Warcraft. An epic fantasy/adventure based on the popular video game series. The origin story of the initial encounters between the humans and the orcs, with an emphasis upon both the Alliance's and the Horde's sides of their conflict. Travis Fimmel, Paula Patton, Daniel Wu, Toby Kebbel.

http://www.warcraft-themovie.com/

February 17, 2017 Knights of the Roundtable: King Arthur. The young Arthur runs the back passages of Londonium with his crew, not knowing his royal lineage until he grabs Excalibur. Instantly confronted by the sword's influence, Arthur is forced to make up his mind. He joins the rebellion and a shadowy young woman named Guinevere, he must learn to understand the magic weapon, deal with his demons and unite the people to defeat the dictator Vortigern, the man who murdered his parents and stole his crown to become king. Charlie Hunnam, Jude Law, Katie McGrath, Eric Bana, Astrid Bergès-Frisbey.

No official website yet.

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